In a shocking turn of events, a CIA whistleblower has claimed that former Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden is alive and living in America, disguised as the popular EDM producer Marshmello.
Marshmello, who describes his music as “deep fluffy hybrid melodic sexy trap house”, first appeared on the EDM scene in early 2015, approximately three and a half years after Bin Laden was allegedly killed by U.S. special forces.
Wunderground spoke to the anonymous CIA source, “The people of America deserve to know that Bin Laden is still out there. He’s been happily living in California since he was evacuated from a military safehouse in Pakistan back in 2011.”
According to the source, Bin Laden spent his first three years in America receiving EDM lessons from David Guetta before, having outgrown his mentor, launching the Marshmello project in 2015.
“Bin Laden is still a very dangerous and influential individual,” continued the whistleblower. “Just because he’s on the CIA’s payroll doesn’t make him a friend of the state and he is being closely monitored at all times. He may not be an active terrorist anymore but I’ve heard his music and it definitely terrorised my ears and senses, we definitely need to be weary of this guy.”
“The last thing we want is for him to become popular with, or have any influence over, our nation’s youth,” explained the unnamed source, “and that’s exactly what’s happening now thanks to this whole Marshmello thing. Thankfully most of his fans are six year old girls and wouldn’t be able to carry out a coordinated terrorist attack on his behalf but we’ll put them all under surveillance anyway.”
Reports from the music industry suggest that Bin Laden could be about to form a terrorist-EDM supergroup with Sadam Hussein (Mike Candys), Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness (Daft Punk) and Tony Blair (Anklepants).