Martin Garrix has shocked his fans all over the world by revealing that his latest “festival banger” is actually a broken down Volkswagen camper van.
The nineteen year old DJ is believed to have bought the “clapped out piece of shit” as an incentive to visit more European music festivals this summer.
“The festivals I’ve been going to the last few years have been really shit,” revealed Garrix from behind the wheel of the stationary vehicle. “So I decided, instead of playing at a l lot of shit festivals this summer I’d actually go to some good ones as a punter. That’s why I bought the camper van. I’m going to do it up myself, using a really expensive team of highly skilled mechanics, and do a little tour around the European festival circuit.”
“Now I just need to give the old girl a name,” continued the teenage star. “I was going to call her Paris Hilton but she’s far too clean and smells way too nice inside to name her after that cum guzzler so I think I’ll call her Paul, after Paul van Dyk, she’s old, German, broken down and a little bit boring so, if the glove fits, wear it. I think it’s the perfect name.”
“I’m sure some of my fans will be really upset that this festival banger isn’t exactly the same as all of my other identical festival bangers,” said Garrix with a hit of disregard. “But, after being in the game for almost four years now, I think I deserve a bit of a break, plus I don’t really care what my fans think, I’m already rich. I could never work again and still be loaded for the rest of my life so fuck it, I’m about to enter the Yoko Ono stage of my career and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I might even drive around the world in this camper van for the rest of my life.”
According to sources close to the DJ, Garrix is likely to return to the festival circuit as a performer next year, claiming his decision to buy the camper van and tour Europe is “merely a mid-early-life crisis”.