I am losing you. The distance has become as vast as the horizon.
I am losing you. I feel it fading away. You are now enveloped in a thick mist. I can no longer reach you. The green light has ceased to blink. It’s beacon has grown dim.
But this time, I am losing you because I choose to. I choose to untangle the strings of the many memories that I have ever so tightly held on to. For so long, I have tried to sever the knots and set myself free from the things that bound me to you. I guess I was just not ready back then. Today, I am sincerely telling myself that it was all right. I have reached the point of not blaming the way I felt about you and how long I have been basking in the bittersweet tides of yesterday. It may have took me longer than I should have. But I am here now.
Don’t get me wrong. I am letting go but I will cherish every bit of love that I have always been trying to give you. Still, you will remain in this special abyss in my heart. Only this time, it will not beat for you. The impulses that keep this machinery working will not be triggered by you. It will beat for itself because it is it’s own.
How many times have I said good bye? A hundred? A million? Countless.
Perhaps, that was where I went wrong. I tried to get you out of my life quick but that doesn’t equate to getting you out of my heart. Later on, I realized that the worst part was lying to myself. I tried to bottle up the emotions and let it devour the happiness in me. But I am here now.
It’s about time to finally let someone else seep through the crevices of the walls that I have built for myself and let a new light shine through.
Let me quote from a poem by Alexander Pope, the one that also inspired the impassioned film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (thus the title):
“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d…”
Just as Clementine has tried so many times to erase Joel from her mind, I too did the same. However, forgetting you was not easy. It was a horrifying journey through the turbulence of self-doubt and confusion. Today, I shall end with telling you that each wish has been resigned, but you are not forgotten; you are not forgotten and never will be.
This is not good bye, rather, this is hoping that our next meeting would mean so much more than just heartaches and bittersweet memories. After all, the best thing about us was the connection that nurtured our friendship.