This is a letter I wrote to an ex lover—no edits, no filters, just pure heart. Why do I choose to keep this at its rawest form? Because, like the words itself, there is emotion in all the jumbled letters, inconsistent spacing and misplaced punctuation. When red wine meets a broken soul, you get something like this. Cheers.

Twenty20, m__carty

Feb 28, 6:26pm

Get out of my head you fcking idiot. I hate you so fucking much. You made me beleive that you actually liked me. Did you actually really?/?/ Was i not pretty enough. Wasnt i good in bed. fuck you. fuck you so fucking much. you hrut me so fucking much. ive never felt as happy as i did as i saw you in the airport that day. happy and nervous. nervous but happy. and the way you leaned in the car, allowing your cheek to hit my lips as you subtly looked at the billboards that i will now loathe. it was an assurance for me that day, that i lived to your expectations – that i was allowed to touch your skin. and now someone else is touching yours. while your skateboard is still in your room in the house, like how i am righ tnow in the middle of the diing room with a glass of wine that will last for one more sip. i wish i had more. i want to drown – but i dont know in what. i wanna drown and forget you. i wanna drown in you. i want you to magically appear at the front of our gate. i wanna take you around to my favorite never been to places. i wanna experience everything with you. i want to see your eyes in awe. i want to be the one to give you that. me. and no one else. i want to show you what beauty is for me, and secretly hope that you find beauty in them too.

i wanna forget you. erase my mind of everymoment of you. because youre the fucking worst what couldve been. i still think that theres something wrong in me, you fucker. never good enough. part of me thinks i am better than all the other people you’re fucking seeing right now. more intelligent, more well cultured – but maybe thats not what you want. maybe you want someone who can dance with you and your stupid british rap songs that i find myself humming out of nowhere. maybe you want someone who has a smaller waitst, slimmer arms, clearer skin. but i honestly thought you wanted more than that – you can see past that. it s so unfair.

you didnt give me the time youre giving them. you rushed yourself into me as i was rushing into you, but you made it move a lightspeed. you did a fucking grand gesture that i say i find creepy but damn fuck you because who else would travel thousands of miles for me? who? no one but you, you fucker. imagine me finding out that i wasnt enough after all. that you went here to be with me – and you found that theres so many things that you want to do other than be with me.

i hate thinking about who you’re with. when im walking down the street – i think of who youre kissing. when im eating, im thinking about who youre saying all the filipino words i taught you – all those words mixed with your stupid charming accent. you know how to make them swoon – you’ve seen me be swept up.

you know the look i give you – you’ve pointed it out twice. one time when we were walking down and you said “ha, that look you give me when you want to kiss me.” and yesterday when you said “stop it, dont try to kiss me”.

the pause

you see, i can go all emotional ape shit on you, and drown in my sorrows and heartache that your fucking self did to me

then all it takes is a pause

then i remember of what much of a cunt you are – that you do not deserve my bittersweet words

that you deserve no limelight, good or bad

that i can move on, and be with someone who will love me fully, love my flaws, and fucking give me a tight hug, and kiss me afterwards, and cuddle with me til 10am, and kiss my morning breath, and grip my hand super tight when we walk down the streets we used to walk down on, and will take me to all the places that remind me of you and will remind me again the beauty i once saw in that place.

ill get over this, you, the miles, the billboard, the airport, the night we met and talked until 7am. ill get over one of my favorite trips with my friends where i took you with me through the lens of my phones. ill get over your scent, your hair. ill get over the night you said you’re not ready for a commitment and the night you said you were ready – for someone else.

ill get over this fucking stage in my life, because im only 20, its only february of 2016, and there are other people who deserve the genuineness i gave you. the vulnerability. my heart.

its still beating.

this is a heartache in words

this is how you think out loud, ed sheeran

fuck you

im free

my head is free

my heart is safe still beating

everything will be fine

or even better 🙂 TC mark

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