So it’s finally December and ’tis officially the season of snow, comfortable pyjamas, Christmas jumpers, hot chocolate by an open, bustling fire — and romance.
Yes, romance. What’s more romantic than holding hands with a lover and strolling down a snow-filled village as tiny snowflakes land on the tips of your noses and interlaced fingers, and then proceeding to toss flour at each other while baking fresh gingerbread cookies and sipping eggnog like the two little adorable snow bunnies that you are?
Nothing. Literally nothing. It’s sick!
If you’re single, though, this might be a bit hard to manage. All you’ll do once the first snow falls is look outside of your window and tragically sigh at the thought of spending yet another winter alone, with nobody to throw flour at or snuggle up to a fire with. There will be so much Netflix, but so little chill.
But there’s hope! Although you probably won’t have enough time to find your soulmate before Christmas, you could still find someone to hold you when your heater inevitably stops working. And it’s because of this that you’ll go through great lengths to find someone to f*ck you this holiday season by doing the following:
1. Wearing a sexy Santa outfit to your company Christmas party.
And asking everyone to sit on your lap.
2. Coyly inviting people to do date-like things, like drink cider and go visit the local village Christmas tree.
*casually slips arm around waist*
3. Asking people how their holiday weekends were.
“I hope you had fun at your aunt’s in Galway!” is your clear euphemism for “Now that you’re back in Dublin, do you wanna hang out?”
4. Buying progressively tighter sweaters.
Nothing shows off the girls like a good ol’ tight fit.
5. Casually holding mistletoe above everyone’s heads.
“How’d THAT get up there?!”
6. Making awkward jokes about how someone can buy you a pearl necklace for Christmas.
Heh. No, really.
7. Using the cold weather as an excuse to invite people over to snuggle.
“Ugh, I don’t want to leave my house. It’s too cold. Wanna just come over and cuddle?”
8. Busting your ass to give the PERFECT GIFT to your “platonic” friend of the opposite sex.
You know this box set of “Star Wars” collectibles will really rev his engines.
9. Baking a shitload of Christmas cookies for everyone you know.
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, right?
10. Texting your high school ex when you’re home for the holidays.
“Hey! Let’s catch up!”
11. Actually, texting everyone you’ve hooked up with from your hometown when you’re home for the holidays.
“Heyyyyyyyyy! Let’s catch up!”
12. Talking incessantly about being on Santa’s “naughty list.”
And making everyone around you uncomfortable.
13. Buying holiday-scented candles in an attempt to make your apartment smell inviting.
This sugar cookie candle may get you laid, but it’ll also give you a massive headache.
14. Shaving your legs even though you’re wearing thick tights.
You NEVER know.
15. Incorporating Christmas Carols into your Tinder pickup lines.
“Girl, you can jingle my bells anytime.”
16. Buying yourself some expensive lingerie as a Christmas gift.
“I’m doing this for me!” you say as you swipe your credit card and purchase a black dental floss contraption that you’d literally never wear by choice.
17. Finding cute and different ways to text “Merry Christmas!” to your crush.
“Hey you!” *candy cane emoji* *Christmas tree emoji* “Ready for Santa to come this weekend?” *present emoji*
18. Teaching yourself how to make fancy cinnamon and eggnog drinks.
Just in case someone wants to come over and hang out, you’re ready to set the mood.
19. Making sex playlists on Spotify that you camouflage with the name “Christmas music.”
*”Too Close” by Next starts playing*
“Oh, shit. That’s not Jingle Bell Rock, is it? Huh. Hmm. Well.”
20. Underdressing when you go to the club.
It’s 20 degrees out. But you don’t care. Short, tight dresses for days.
21. Sending mass silly Snapchats with holiday-themed filters.
You’re so funny and quirky! Someone should date you!
As a bonus:
22. Inviting people over to watch “Elf.”
…Christmas movie and chill?